If you want to compete at an elite level, tap into your primal running roots, and protect your feet while maintaining ethical standards, then it’s time to join the sock-running revolution. Barefoot running can be dangerous, painful, and downright gross, and running in technologically advanced shoes is basically the same as cheating. But with socks, you get all of the perks and none of the pitfalls.
Though no research has actually been conducted on this new and innovative style of running, it’s clear that sock running is the future of ultra. Sure, socks may get a little soggy during rainy weather or stream crossings, but unlike shoes, you can wring them out or carry a dry pair to change into. …
Oh runner, with long locks waving,
Emancipated and wild,
Your hair an undulating banner
Of your bravery and guile.
A feral flag of freedom,
Unfettered and unbound,
Your mane flows liberated
While your feet move over ground.
No challenge can e’er hold you back,
No obstacle upon these lands,
No hair clip shall you sport this day,
No braids nor rubber bands.
Your untamed strands are a testament
To your training and endeavors,
How bold ye long-haired runners are
Who shall not bind it, not ever.
For freedom flows within your legs,
Within your feet and hearts,
And a wildness springs from your hair
No matter which side you part. …
Dear Mrs. Tresmal:
I am writing this letter in the hope of bringing some much-needed vindication for the oppressed students of the unimaginative, soul-sucking world you call your classroom. When my son brought home his graded essay on the works of e. e. cummings (that is the proper formatting of the poet’s name) that you so callously marked as D work, I was personally and deeply insulted. The incredible amount of time and effort put into writing what I strongly feel is at least B+ work was unjustly rendered mediocre with one swipe of your malicious red pen.
This D looms over my family with an unimaginable weight. Though Jeremy was happy to receive a passing grade despite your nearly impossible assignment expectations, this has been a harsh lesson for him — indeed, a harsh lesson for us all. The image of me sitting hunched over his laptop working tirelessly to meet your outlandish requirements would probably haunt him forever had he not spent most of that time decompressing in our media room. The stress of your assignment triggered Jeremy’s performance anxiety. In fact, he was so distraught by the situation, he had to retreat to a friend’s house for the rest of the evening so he could unwind. To find out a week later that we received only subpar markings for my tremendous effort is a burden no child should have to bear. There is no way I can possibly undo the lasting psychological scars you’ve wrought upon my family, Mrs. Tresmal. It seems you’ve taught Jeremy at least one important lesson this school year, which is that there is no point in putting in honest, hard work when all it earned us was a D. …
MANSFIELD, OH — Parents are outraged that local officials have yet to end what has turned into a 3-day nightmare at John Sherman Elementary. It began on Monday when Derrick Harris, a 2nd grade student, brought in peanut butter cookies for his birthday. “Them allergy kids were told to head to their peanut-free tables in the corner to avoid anaphylactic shock,” said Terry Brown, a day-shift custodian who managed to escape through a then unblocked service entrance. “I heard them allergenics hollerin’ We want cookies too! and then all hell broke loose!” said Brown. Though the number of John Sherman students affected by peanut allergies is small and those students are generally considered feeble, they apparently had the element of surprise on their side. According to Harris, “They lost their f***ing minds and went after them normal kids like a pack of wild dogs.” The lunchroom staff was apparently no match for the peanut allergy nutters who took out the adults by hurling lunch trays with surprising and devastating accuracy. “They got the lunch ladies first,” Harris recounted, a look of terror in his eyes. “What did they expect?” said Jackie Pinkerton, mother of Candice Pinkerton, one of the peanut allergy students. “John Sherman’s solution to food allergies is segregation by any other name. I’ve already reached out to the ACLU several times,” said Pinkerton. …
It’s autumn, so you know what that means: it’s pumpkin everything season! Time to bust out your plaid shirt dress and infinity scarf and head to your local cafe for your favorite artificially flavored seasonal latte. Who cares if it’s still 87 degrees outside! If Starbucks isn’t going to let global warming hold them back, neither will you.
As you stand at the end of the counter, quivering with anticipation while waiting for that steaming white cup, you notice all the other basic bitches lined up behind you pretending they love pumpkin as much as you. You look past them to see the bitches who arrived before you snapping latte selfies out in the parking lot, and you have an uncontrollable urge to run out and slap the beverages from their undeserving hands. As a true pumpkin aficionado, you need to prove once and for all to these bitches that you are Queen P in this patch! …
Are parents talking to their children about natural resources and the issues they face? This is a question that has nagged me for some time. I’m not a parent, but I love kids. More specifically, I love what kids bring to the table: innocent hope and brutal honesty. So, when it comes to some of the issues I hold most dear, namely the management and consumption of our planet’s natural resources, I couldn’t help but wonder, “Is my sister talking to my 6-year-old nephew about lowering his carbon footprint?” Probably not. So, I did a bit more digging into whether or not parents discuss topics such as water conservation, land degradation, plastic pollution, etc. with their children. And if not, why? …
Moving two cats and a 5-month-old puppy from Ohio to California (as well as two adults) is not without its challenges. Unlike your household items and furniture, you can’t simply shove them into a shipping container and call it a day. Well, you can, but that would make you a psychopath. You may consider driving. You may find yourself thinking, “It’ll be fun! We’ll buy a Subaru and make a road-trip out of it.” On paper, it’s the storyboard for a great car commercial. In reality, not so much. Though your adorable and vivacious 5-month-old yellow lab loves car rides, both of your cats absolutely hate them. Your curmudgeonly 7-year-old cat feverishly tries to dig his way out of his crate while your 2-year-old tabby floof (technical term) let’s out long, pitiful cries one after another while peering at you through the bars in her crate. All of this crushes your soul and will to live. A 36-hour cross-country trek is looking less and less likely, especially since you can only sedate cats for so long before putting them into a coma. …
Modern times bring with them new challenges. Currently, we face several natural resource issues, including — but not limited to — a shortage of water, an abundance of plastic pollution, and an unsustainable consumption of resources. For those of us who work in, play in, and consciously use natural resources, these issues are apparent. And though we know our tribe is vast, it is still only a minute percentage of the people dealing with and acting upon these problems (Everyday… 2016). …